I started this blog for a few reasons. Reason 1, I wanted a way to connect. Though most people won’t admit it,the internet is sort of a “safe space” for many of us.We can be uninhibited and say our piece, oftentimes, without reprimand. We feel more connected with each other and find support despite it being a double edged sword of sorts. The 2nd reason, I honestly find it comforting. I happen to be one of those strange people who finds it much easier to speak her mind in written word. The 3rd and possibly final reason I started this blog, was to be an authentic voice in the “beauty community”. I love makeup and am constantly learning about it. That being said, what I don’t love is buying a product that’s been over hyped only to realize it’s a waste of money. In fact, I actually hate that. Being a consumer panelist, I’m pretty OK at differentiating between a wonderful product and wonderful marketing, and I want to help everyone be able to tell the difference. All in all, I’m on a journey, to discover more about myself, and I’d love it if you came along with me.
I know I’ve never done a post like this before, but there’s a first time for everything so bear with me. 🐻
Look, I love my job. I really Really do! At the beginning of this year I was promoted and even received Two raises. Everything was peachy keen.
As I’m sure some of you know, growth in a company means growth in the amount of work you have to do. I’m fine with this but the way things have been going, I’m not only doing my job, I’m finding myself doing everyone else’s.
It can be incredibly frustrating because as I gain new responsibilities I notice that my coworkers still need me for everything. I could walk away to handle my own tasks and five minutes later all hell is breaking loose. I love being needed but I hate when people can’t seem to do anything without me.
It’s so stressful to have to finish my tasks and theirs. Eventually, I decided that enough is enough. I’ve decided to transfer and move away.
I’ve found my dream apartment (more on that in a later post) and it’s in a small town like I’ve always dreamed of. There’s good food, kind people, and wide open country roads. Naturally, I’ve been really looking forward to moving there.
At least, I was before last week. All of a sudden, managers were praising me. So far I’ve even gotten 3 private talks where the managers tell me how much of an asset I am, and how I do such a wonderful job, and how I’m bound for management.
It’s like, Finally!!! Finally, they’re taking notice to how hard I’ve been working. Finally, they’re proving that making me their go-to person isn’t just a way for them to take advantage of me. Finally I feel validated.
Great right? It would be if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve literally been counting down the days until I jump ship. I’ve been apartment shopping and mapping out what I plan to do with the space I’ll have. I’ve been planning this move for two months now, and I’ve got two more months to go.
This sucks. This stuck feeling, like I’m in quicksand and there’s a vine hanging over head but I’m too afraid to reach for it. I’m lost.
I’ve been so frustrated with work lately, and finally I’ve found a solution only for them to drop a big fat problem in my lap. Now, they’re invoking loyalty. Did I mention that I freaking love this job? Did I also mention that I freaking love these people?!
I keep thinking, what if this new job in this new town is horrible? What if it’s really boring? What if instead of standing out and moving up in this company I end up blending in?
All these feelings and thoughts are swirling around in my head, and I was Not feeling this uncertain until I started being appreciated.
I keep wondering if I go forward with this move, will I be making a mistake?
Anyway, thanks so much for letting me vent to you guys. It actually helped me feel a little better. Any tips or advice would be helpful.
So, one of my goals for this apartment is to have most of the things I need Before I move in. I know the more traditional thing is to move in and get everything as you go, but being unprepared gives me serious anxiety.
Anyway, in this video I show you guys a few of the things I’ve gotten for when I move.
How would you prepare for a big move?
Anyone else planning to move soon?
This is my first apartment so any tips and advice would be super helpful!
Now, if you read the title of this and automatically thought “Well what about being dark skinned?” I get it, or at least I think I do. However, I’m choosing to speak from personal experience, and since I’m not dark skinned I don’t feel it’s my place to speak for the experience of those that are. However, if you are dark skinned and would like to share your opinion or personal experiences with colorism I am more than happy to hear you out because I seek a greater understanding of the experiences I may not share. Understanding is the gateway to connection.
I have a confession to make. When I was younger, I’m pretty sure I was as my mother would call it, “color struck”. I’m not quite sure how it happened but I have a pretty good idea. I was about five or six and best friends with two other light skinned little girls. I’ve always had a bit of a mean girl mentality; it’s something I still struggle against today. I have no idea where the desire to be cruel comes from but it sort of just bubbles up inside of me and then spills out like a poison or virus, infecting everyone around me. Anyway, there was a little brown skinned girl named Ebony. I would pick at her, We would pick at her. Tell her how dark she was, make fun of her hair. We were a bunch of nasty little brats. Looking back, I can’t possibly imagine the woman I am now being that horrible little girl, but I find it’s often easy to forget things we don’t want to remember.
Firstly, Ebony, I am sorry. I am sorry to every beautiful black little girl who has ever had to endure a mean little girl like me.
At five years old did I really know what I was doing? Maybe, maybe not, but since I continued to do it, if I didn’t know originally, I’m certain I was beginning to. Looking back it seems like one side of the spectrum was being glorified and the other side was being vilified. I remember being dotted on. I remember people always wanting to play in my hair. I remember my mother being stopped in the beauty supply store by someone wanting to know what I was mixed with. I remember her banning my family from buying white dolls because she wanted me to understand that my light skin didn’t stop me from being black. I remember getting to elementary school and getting picked at by a group of dark skinned girls and then somehow feeling justified in my disdain for black skin. Like what I had previously done to Ebony was somehow warranted because given the chance the darker girls would pick on me too. I remember feeling like it was Us Vs Them.
Us Vs Them. What kind of shit is that? How do we get so wrapped up in light versus dark? For no good reason we constantly fall prey to indoctrination that goes back generations. Not only is it absurd, it’s embarrassing.
I am ashamed of the little girl I used to be. I cringe Everytime I see someone making the same foolish statements that I did. As I age I continue to feel guilty about the comfort I took in being lighter. It’s as if the world around me was screaming White may be right but Light is still safe. I didn’t understand that a system of oppression doesn’t care that I am light skinned and Ebony is dark skinned. I didn’t understand that by speaking against her, I was speaking against myself. I didn’t understand that I was betraying the people that fought, and died for me to be here.
I didn’t know that Ebony and I were just Us, not Us Vs Them.
It wasn’t until I had a come to Jesus moment that I realized I had been separating myself from my allies. I was at war with my own race, and all because it made me feel special.
At least it did until a little white girl on the playground called me and the other little black girl I was picking at “Niggers”. All of a sudden, I no longer cared about Light and Dark. We were both black.
Who doesn’t love to shop? Personally, I find it very therapeutic. As a plus size woman I’m constantly on the hunt for clothes that fit comfortably and look good on me (as I’m sure most women are in general). That can be iffy sometimes though. You’ll find a place and they’ll have a plus size section but the models they use are like a size 6. There’s nothing wrong with being a size 6 but it’s quite a stark contrast to being a size 16. Then it’s all about guess work. “It works for her, but will it work for me?”
So, I wanna eliminate some of that guess work, one haul at a time.
I just happened to be shopping online with the Walmart app when I stumbled across the plus size clothing section. First things I noticed were the prices! Their stuff is incredibly inexpensive! And while I’ve purchased the occasional clothing item in their store, the online shop has Way more to offer.
Now let’s get to it! Over all I purchased six pieces and paid around $43.50. It took about two to three days for me to get everything so it was surprisingly quick shipping. I received a total of 3 separate packages.
It’s meh, I mean it’s a t-shirt. It’s fine it’s just that I prefer my tees a little looser. It’s a cotton and polyester blend so it’s fairly comfortable.
Also, I’m not fond of the fit around the collar. See that extra bit of fabric just off to the side? What is that?
For some reason I like this one a Whole lot better than the V-NECK. Maybe it’s the color. Also it seems a bit looser but that could just be my bias towards it. It’s also a cotton polyester blend.
Plus, there’s no extra fabric around the neck and shoulders so it actually fits right!
Now I actually like this! The bodice is solid black with a lace overlay. It’s 100% polyester. A bit of shapewear and it’s golden. I’ll have to wear tights with it though because it’s not fitted around the thighs and I have a pretty round butt. One wrong move and it’s a peep show!
There’s also a Lot of cleaveage so if you’re not comfortable putting your girls on display then maybe skip this one, or you could get it and pin it.
Omg this top has a lot going on but I absolutely love it! It’s a polyester, rayon, and spandex mix. It’s so comfortable!
I love the plunging neckline with straps across the cleaveage. I just love this!
The only downside is the little bit of extra room around the neck, but it makes sense for it to be there.
Welp, I hate it. Bear in mind I’m not wearing any shape wear. Maybe I’m just not there yet because it makes me feel like a big shiny blob. Oh yea, it’s a polyester and spandex mix.
I hate the shoulder and neck line the most. See how it’s hanging off my shoulders? It’s not supposed to do that!
You can even tell it’s wrong by looking at how far down my arm the shoulder seam is?! Just…No.
These jeans have been the Highlight of this haul. I am literally in love with them! They’re so comfortable and they fit so well!
To wrap all this up, I’m pretty pleased. Some of the stuff wasn’t my favorite (looking at you silver garbage bag), but Walmart has an amazing return policy. I got a refund and I got to keep what I returned all because I didn’t like it!
I’ll definitely be doing another haul from them in the future. What other store do you want me to haul?
What’s you’re favorite club scene? Do you like to rave? Love a good dance hall? Personally, I’m a jazz club kind of girl. Give me some low lighting and a little smooth music and I am prepared to vibe the night away.
Bearing in mind that I’m no makeup artist or beauty guru I went for a look that would be good for a jazzy scene (pun intended). I did a gold and deep blue lid with a copper lip. It reads vibrant without stepping out of theme.
NYX Proof It! Eye primer
Make-up Revolution Salvation Palettes in Welcome to the Pleasuredome and Unicorns Unite
Starlooks Artist Eyeliner
Pür Cosmetics lashes in Bombshell
AOA Studio’s Perfecting Blur Primer
AOA Studio’s Wonder Cover HD Concealer in Lavender
Cargo Cosmetics One Base Foundation in C04
Broadway Colors Powder Cheek Palette Kit in Summer
BeBe Strobe Palette from the Vanity Box Collection (specifically the shade Lilac Dreams
Trifle Cosmetics Sponge Bronzer
AOA Studio’s Wonder Metal Liquid Lipsticks in Truffle and OMG
I hope you guys enjoyed this look and let me know if there’s any others you want me to try!
So, it’s been…a while. Part of me feels guilty about my unannounced leave of absence, and the other part of me is just excited to be back. It’s only been about two months since I last posted, but for those of you that follow me, you know I haven’t been here in earnest since September of last year.
I’ll get to why in a bit, but first and foremost, I apologize. I know it seems like I just ditched this out of nowhere, and I can’t even say that’s not the case, because that’s exactly what happened.
Only it wasn’t as sudden as it seemed. For a while I had been dealing with some stuff (we’ll get to the stuff in the explanation portion of this ramble), and it all just became too much to handle. Instead of doing what I intended to start this blog for, exposing my true self in hopes that I could give someone the confidence to do the same, and thereby establishing a connection and eventually a collective, I wound up shutting down, and shutting you guys out.
That wasn’t fair to you all and it wasn’t fair to this blog. It wasn’t even fair to me. For that, I am genuinely sorry.
So, here’s the explanation you deserve, truth and all. We’ll go all the way back so you have an idea of my headspace last year.
About three months before I started this blog (so around November of 2016) I started a job I thought could turn into something great. I got hired as an assistant manager for a plus size clothing store. Instantly, I loved it. At the time I loved exactly where my life was going. I was wrapping up my junior year of college, I had a job I loved, and amazing friends.
Slowly, insidiously, things began to fall apart. In January of last year, I had a financial hiccup. All of a sudden, my college education was at risk. My financial aid didn’t go through like it should have, so I ended up owing money for two of the classes I had taken.
This led to a bit of a mental breakdown. I was so stressed I wound up drinking myself into oblivion every time I had the chance. I refused to admit I was becoming an alcoholic and only took the time to get hammered on social occasions.
Then, around early February, my job suddenly became synonymous with hell. The store manager put a lot in my hands but insisted on nitpicking and micromanaging to the point where I was hesitant to do my job and be a manager.
By March I was desperate for Something I could have control over. That’s where this blog came in. It was honestly a peace of mind. I dove head first into this and it started to pay off. I had hit 100 followers before I knew it! Finally there was something I had the power over, and it was turning out lovely. I was connecting with amazing people and learning new things.
Even in May, when a friendship I put a lot of energy into crumbled in front of me, I had my blog to focus on. Pretty soon it was all I could focus on. I sort of let my life go on without me.
Instead of dealing with the things that were hurting me, I pushed them to the side and went deeper into my blog. Eventually I was blogging every day. I loved it!
It wasn’t until September that it suddenly dawned on me. I wasn’t taking very good care of myself. I hadn’t dealt with my drinking properly. I hadn’t dealt with how a job I loved had come to make me hate it. I hadn’t dealt with the death of a friendship. I just hadn’t been dealing.
As odd as it sounds, avoiding mental and emotional pain or discomfort is pretty much second nature to me. I’m very good at shutting off bad feelings and refusing to deal with them. If emotional avoidance was a superpower, I’d have three of my own Marvel movies out by now.
I knew I had to get myself together so, I ran off and took some time. I found a job that challenged me and my hard work is paying off (they just made me full-time). I’ve reconnected with the friends that have been there for me. I’ve cut my drinking Way down (a glass of wine once every blue moon is More than enough for me). In fact, there’s so much good going on in my life right now that I can hardly believe I spun out in the first place. I’m still me, just a better me.
Now that I’m back, I wanna do things a little differently. I still want to do all the fun beauty reviews and poems. I even have more fun things planned. However, I also want to talk about personal things, things that may not be so fun. I want us to be vulnerable and to find comfort in it. I wanna give advice and I wanna seek it. I want to be able to deal with the bad feelings, and I want to help you guys deal with yours. This isn’t just fun it’s real.
In an effort to be more organized and consistent. I’ll be making a schedule for each week. Since I won’t be posting on the same days the schedule can change weekly. It pretty much just shows what I’ll be posting about for the week ahead.
This will usually be posted up on my Instagram and Snap Chat so make sure you’re following me @poisonedannie
I hope we can continue to embark on this amazing badass journey together.